The fictionalized narrator and author who claims to be presenting an abridged "Good Parts" version of a longer, boring historical text. He frequently interrupts the story with commentary on the editing process, his childhood, and his adult life.

The fictitious Florinese author of the original, unabridged "classic tale" which serves as the source material for the book. He is presented as a dry, satirical historian whose original text contains lengthy sections on etiquette and ancestry.

A milkmaid from Florin who is ranked among the most beautiful women in the world despite initially lacking hygiene and grooming. She begins by treating the local Farm Boy with disdain but eventually realizes she loves him deeply.

A poor, hardworking orphan who labors on Buttercup's farm and answers her every command with a devoted "As you wish." He leaves Florin to seek his fortune in America to be worthy of marrying Buttercup, but is reportedly killed by pirates.

The barrel-shaped heir to the throne of Florin who is obsessed with hunting dangerous beasts in his underground "Zoo of Death." He arranges a marriage with Buttercup as part of a political scheme to incite a war with Guilder.

Prince Humperdinck's confidant and a noble known for his obsession with the study of pain. He possesses a distinctive six-fingered right hand, which makes him the target of a lifelong vengeance quest by a Spanish fencer.

A hunchbacked Sicilian criminal genius who prides himself on his superior intellect and logic. He leads the trio hired to kidnap and murder the Princess to frame Guilder, relying on wits rather than physical strength.

A skinny Spanish fencing master who has dedicated his life to sword training to avenge the death of his father, Domingo. He is a member of Vizzini's crew but struggles with alcoholism and a lack of purpose outside his quest.

A timid, rhyme-loving giant from Turkey who possesses immense physical strength but suffers from low self-esteem. He serves as the muscle for Vizzini's crew but is gentle by nature, preferring fair fights and friendship to violence.